Discovering Joy in the Midst of Despair
Excerpts from: The Very Rev. Tracey Lind's Oct. 15 sermon at Emmanuel Church, Geneva, Switzerland
Like many people who receive a terminal diagnosis, I found myself in a season of relief, grief and escape. I was relieved to have the burden of work off of my shoulders, to not be hiding my disease and to realize that I wasn't crazy – there was a reason for my confusion exhaustion and inertia; my struggles with executive thinking and short-term memory; and my word loss and balance issues.
I also suffered a terrible sense of grief, knowing that my career had been cut short, my brain was shrinking, and my time on earth was probably going to end sooner than I had hoped. Emily and I sequenced through the Kubler Ross stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - like a washing machine cycle - over and over again.
During those three months, we escaped on vacation to the Caribbean, and I took myself on an extended road trip to visit old friends and familiar places. Then, at Lucinda’s invitation, we went to Paris for Easter, traveling by way of a transatlantic, repositioning cruise.
Cruise ships are nomadic. They roam the great waters of the earth. When the seasons change, they tend to relocate to warmer climates, repositioning from one hemisphere to another and offering bargain rates to passengers who have more time than money. For less than the price of an airline ticket, we traveled from North America to Europe.
After sleeping, reading and resting for some 4,000 nautical miles between our two continents, I was “repositioned.” As we passed through the Straits of Gibraltar at midnight on Maundy Thursday, something inside of me shifted, and I was ready to face this new chapter of my life. When Bishop Pierre preached on Easter morning that Christ had risen and we rise, I found myself rising.
At dinner that evening, the Bishop asked me what I wanted to do with this period of my life and ministry. I said that I wanted to continue to preach and teach. I wanted to travel, play music, write and make photographs. I also wanted to be an advocate for people living with dementia and help de-stigmatize this dreaded disease.
In that moment, I realized that wanted to reposition, rethink, reframe this interruption in my life. I wanted to transform it from an exile to an exodus, from a death sentence to a pilgrimage, from a funeral to a wedding banquet, from an intrusion to an invitation. In other words, I wanted to live what I had been preaching for over thirty years: out of pain comes joy, out of brokenness comes wholeness, and out of death comes new life.
Dementia from the Inside Out
“Denial isn’t useful; honesty is important; early diagnosis can result in a higher quality of life; and transparency makes life easier for everybody involved.”
I have watched many people hide dementia, as if it is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, as if it is a weakness, a punishment, or even a sin. "If only she had eaten less red meat and more green vegetables; if only he had done the New York Times crossword puzzle every morning; if only she had practiced yoga or meditation for the past ten years; if only he had followed the advice of the brain wizards on public television."
I liken dementia to AIDS in the 1980’s, something to be denied, hidden, and spoken of in hushed voices. I can still remember my frustration when the doctor’s assistant couldn’t understand why I didn’t just tell my congregation that I was retiring for “personal reasons.”
I don’t want to live with dementia on those terms. I believe that denial isn’t useful; honesty is important; early diagnosis can result in a higher quality of life; and transparency makes life easier for everybody involved. So, I decided to model that myself.
Like my new friend Greg O’Brien, a journalist diagnosed with early-onset dementia and the author of On Pluto: Inside the mind of Alzheimer’s – I want to be a torchbearer who curses the darkness of dementia and lights the path of grace-filled living with this disease.
Excerpts from Tracey's Remarks: The Unitas Award, Union Theological Seminary, NY
Cathedral of St. John the Divine, New York, where Very Rev. Tracey was ordained.
"I came to Union 34 years ago as a young adult with lots of questions. I was from an interfaith family; I was a feminist; I was gay; and yet I felt deeply called to ordained ministry. Union seemed to be a place where I could sort it all out. And boy did I wrestle with my faith, identity and vocation during that first year. Thankfully, on a cold January afternoon, I met God in a McDonald’s on 42nd Street and finally got some clarity and direction. I also got lots more questions with which I would wrestle for years to come."
"I believe I attended Union during one of its Golden Eras. Under the presidency of Donald Shriver and the academic deanship of Mac Gatch, I studied with some of the greatest theological thinkers and teachers of the late 20th century. The list included: Phyllis Trible, James Washington, Ann Ulanov, James Forbes, James Cone, Dorothee Soelle, Beverly Harrison, Tom Driver, Raymond Brown, Christopher Morse, Walter Wink, Richard Norris, Roger Shinn, Janet Walton, and Cornell West - actually, I had to drop his Introduction to Philosophy because I couldn’t keep up with him. "
"During our first year, I did weekly faith formation with a group of peers (some of them are still dear friends today) and a very wise woman named Ardith Hayes. And, I got to live in Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s old dorm room. I used to lie awake at night wondering what he was thinking about when he slept in that bed. I concluded his thoughts were far more profound than mine!"
"When people ask me if I regret not having attended an Episcopal Seminary, I respond, “Are you kidding?” I am grateful that my bishop Paul Moore was wise enough to realize I should study on the Upper West Side rather than Chelsea Square. I wouldn’t have traded my Union education for any amount of Episcopal networking that I might have gained at one of our denominational seminaries. I got my Episcopal formation through field education at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine; Trinity Church, Wall Street; St. Clement’s in Hell’s Kitchen; Bronx Youth Ministry; and the Episcopal churches of the South Bronx. What more did I need? Although come to think of it, maybe I have dementia because I bumped my head against the stained glass ceiling too many times!"
"At Union, I developed a deep appreciation for the Episcopal Church and a profound respect of other denominations and faith traditions. I learned how to think theologically and ethically and apply that thinking to both parish ministry and pubic leadership. I learned the importance of inclusive language, and how to adapt worship and music to speak of God beyond gender without losing the poetry. I daily read, marked and inwardly digested both the Bible and the New York Times – a practice that has served me well in many years of preaching. Most importantly, following in the footsteps of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Tich Naht Hanh, William Stringfellow, Malcolm Boyd, Carter Heyward, and so many others, at Union I learned how to be an up-stander rather than a by-stander. I have tried my best to embody the teachings and values of Union Theological Seminary throughout my career."
"In fact, when my friend and colleague Jawanza Colvin, Class of 2000, asked me to join him in the establishment of Greater Cleveland Congregations, I said that I would do it under one condition: that we bring the values of Union to the process. We agreed and formed what has become a powerful, interfaith, broad-based, community organization."